What Defines Success

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Saturday, October 27, 2007 2:55:12 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old

Annual Medical Exam

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:37:31 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old | Marriage

Thanks for the peanuts!
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Thursday, March 08, 2007 9:21:58 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old

The Departure
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007 9:08:17 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old

It's Tough Being 80

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "

Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Monday, March 05, 2007 9:13:47 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old

Two Drunks
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Sunday, March 04, 2007 9:09:58 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old

Two Old Ladies
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through it. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us." Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"
Sunday, March 04, 2007 9:05:41 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old