Pregnancy Q&A
- Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
- Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
- Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
- Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
- Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
- Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
- Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
- Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
- Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
- Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
- Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
- Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
Friday, September 21, 2007 2:41:04 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) 
Marriage
A Young Couple
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancé, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
Friday, September 21, 2007 2:38:47 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Marriage
Annual Medical Exam
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!
Friday, September 21, 2007 2:37:31 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Getting Old | Marriage
THE TOP 10 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"
10. Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
9. Trolling for Vampires
8. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
7. Clean-Up in Aisle One
6. Massacre at the Y
5. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
4. Panty Shields Up, Captain!
3. Taking Carrie to the Prom
2. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
And the number 1 euphemisms for "getting your period" Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
Friday, September 21, 2007 2:36:33 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Marriage | Top Ten
The Bad News
A wife visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, she stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
Friday, March 09, 2007 9:24:07 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Marriage