The Top Ten Clues To Women to Calling It A Night
10. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are and you've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
9. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
8. You start crying and your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
7. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
6. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
5. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
4. You've forgotten where you live.
3. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
2. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
And the number one clue to woman to calling it a night is: You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
Friday, September 21, 2007 2:47:53 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) 
The Sexes | Top Ten
THE TOP 10 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"
10. Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
9. Trolling for Vampires
8. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
7. Clean-Up in Aisle One
6. Massacre at the Y
5. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
4. Panty Shields Up, Captain!
3. Taking Carrie to the Prom
2. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
And the number 1 euphemisms for "getting your period" Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
Friday, September 21, 2007 2:36:33 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Marriage | Top Ten
The Top 10 Call In Sick Excuses for Monday
10. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
9. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
8. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
7. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
6. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
5. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
4. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
3. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
2. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
And the number one Call In Sick Excuse for Monday… The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
Friday, September 07, 2007 6:14:14 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Top Ten | Work
The Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked : Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
Friday, September 07, 2007 6:13:41 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Top Ten | Work
Top 10 Rejected Valentines Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . But so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . And you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
And the number one Rejected Valentine's Day Card, if you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Friday, September 07, 2007 6:12:55 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) The Sexes | Top Ten
The Top 10 Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4. Somone spiked the coffee machine.
3. …in the name of Jesus…Amen
2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot
And the number 1 thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
Friday, September 07, 2007 6:12:06 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00) Top Ten | Work