Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Phoenix Area

Scottsdale Barbie - This princess Barbie is sold only at Kierland Commons. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Chandler Barbie - The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit.
She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

 Apache Junction Barbie - This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Awhatukee Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership.   Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Buckeye Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety-Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

El Mirage Barbie - This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Dayton Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Sedona Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Yellow Springs Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Mesa Barbie - This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.
Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Van Buren Barbie/Ken - This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

 

Download: MasterCard.asf

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer, snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 

" T hat's unfair" he cried.  “ I have to roa st for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman ? ”  

" S hut-up ! " barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “ Who are you to question that woman's punishment ? ”

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" I submit the following:
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in Endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head. If he saw a movie, it cost him $7.00, but he made $18,550 while he was there. He made $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He made $3,710 while watching each episode of "Friends". If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would have taken him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably paid around $200 for a nice round of golf, but was reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he put the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he would have hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he pulled in about $5600. In 2000, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins

• Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
• AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
• Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that his system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnosis the problem, it was discovered that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
• Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with a Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
• A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
• Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the customer was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
• Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell technician suggested he go to the local Egghead, "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
• This story from a Novell Net Wire Sys Op: caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is." caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within the warranty period. How do I get it fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?" caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get the cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?" caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it." At this point the Tech Rep. had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive!
• A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
• An exasperated caller to Dell Company Technical Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
• Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said the unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Keywords and their meanings.

• FINE This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
• FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
• NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
• GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
• GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows) This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
• LOUD SIGH Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
• SOFT SIGH One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
• OH This word followed by any statement is trouble. E.G. - "Oh, let me get that",which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night.

• "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
• "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne
• "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
• "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry
• "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Jay Leno
• "I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it." - Bill Cosby
• "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" - Jay Leno
• "We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
• "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller
• "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Jay Leno
• "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." - Elayne Boosler
• "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield
• "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -George Carlin
• "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard
• "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy
• "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams

• Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
• Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
• Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
• Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
• Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
• Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
• Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
• Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
• Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
• Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
• Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancé, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

• For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house, 4 inches deep.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card with a big red "F". "If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can." "Why is that?" asked the teacher. "Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

• 5th and 6th grade responses to science questions on tests:
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
• Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
• Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
• To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
• When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
• For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Mr. Shonu had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. 'Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,' he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, 'Blame your predecessor.' The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, 'Reorganize.' This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, 'Prepare three envelopes.'