You Know You Live in Arizona When...

• You buy salsa by the gallon.
• Your Christmas decorations include sand, candles, and 100 little brown paper bags.
• You think a red light is merely a suggestion, and a yellow means, "floor it!"
• Pedestrians are fair game, especially when they are in a crosswalk.
• All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
• You think someone wearing oven mitts while driving is very clever.
• Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name "El" or "Los".
• You think six tons of gravel, and some cactus makes for a beautiful yard.
• You've signed so many petitions to recall the state governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
• You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
• Your house is made of stucco or adobe, and has a red clay tile roof.
• You can say Hohokam and T'ohono O'odam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
• You no longer associate bridges (or rivers, or clouds) with water.
• You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
• Summer thunder storms build up all day, then dump 5+ inches in less than 15 minutes in the afternoon, which then runs off into the washes and arroyos, and the ground is completely dry again in about an hour.
• You know what a swamp cooler is (and it is not a happy hour drink).
• You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
• Every other vehicle is a 4X4 with a gun rack.
• Some dummy in a 4x4 is always thinking that he can cross police barriers into a flooded wash after a rainstorm but invariably is swept about 500 feet downstream. Then he complains because the city charges him for his rescue.
• You can legally carry a concealed weapon with a permit. If you don't want to go to all that trouble of obtaining a permit, it isalsolegal to carry a weapon in plain sight (as long as it is in a holster or tucked into the back of your pants).
• You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.
• Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
• You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
• People break out parkas and heavy coats when the temperature drops below 70.
• You discover that, in summer, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
• The pool can be warmer than you are.
• You can make sun tea instantly.
• People will drive over a hundred miles just to see snow.
• You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use  your fireplace.
• Most people will not drink tap water unless they are under dire conditions.
• Most homes have more firearms than people.
• Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"
• People with black cars or who have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or completely nuts.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• The AC is on your list of best friends.
• Monday Night Football starts at 7:00pm instead of 9:00pm.
• You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
• You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
• The water from the cold water tap is exactly the same temperature as the hot one.
• You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend",  "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", Ocotillo, and  "Ajo".
• It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door, or burn your feet stepping out onto the sidewalk to retrieve your mail.
• Sun screen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to the Circle K.
• Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and other fools will actually buy them.
• Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

Saturday, October 27, 2007 3:21:58 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Miscellaneous

Better Health Plan

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."

Saturday, October 27, 2007 3:11:19 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Sex

Lawyer in Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer, snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 

"That's unfair" he cried.  “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman?” 

"Shut-up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman's punishment?”

Saturday, October 27, 2007 3:03:56 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Miscellaneous

What Defines Success

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Saturday, October 27, 2007 2:55:12 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old

How Men Can Ruin a Romantic Evening

Saturday, October 27, 2007 2:50:47 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Sex

Blonde's Revenge

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $10, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $100." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $100.

The blonde politely takes the $100 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $10, and goes back to sleep.

Saturday, October 27, 2007 2:45:11 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Stupidity

Why Pets Hate Halloween

Friday, October 26, 2007 8:23:08 AM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Pets | Holidays

Jock vs. Nerd

In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" I submit the following:
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in Endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head. If he saw a movie, it cost him $7.00, but he made $18,550 while he was there. He made $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He made $3,710 while watching each episode of "Friends". If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would have taken him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably paid around $200 for a nice round of golf, but was reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he put the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he would have hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he pulled in about $5600. In 2000, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins

Friday, September 21, 2007 4:18:14 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Computers

Computer Illiterate

• Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
• AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
• Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that his system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnosis the problem, it was discovered that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
• Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with a Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
• A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
• Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the customer was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
• Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell technician suggested he go to the local Egghead, "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
• This story from a Novell Net Wire Sys Op: caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is." caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within the warranty period. How do I get it fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?" caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get the cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?" caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it." At this point the Tech Rep. had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive!
• A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
• An exasperated caller to Dell Company Technical Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
• Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said the unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Friday, September 21, 2007 4:13:16 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Computers

Business Partners

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in business." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Friday, September 21, 2007 4:09:54 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Work | Computers

The Secrets of Women's Language

Keywords and their meanings.

• FINE This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
• FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
• NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
• GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
• GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows) This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
• LOUD SIGH Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
• SOFT SIGH One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
• OH This word followed by any statement is trouble. E.G. - "Oh, let me get that",which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night.

Friday, September 21, 2007 4:04:39 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        The Sexes

Famous Quotes

• "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
• "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne
• "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
• "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry
• "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Jay Leno
• "I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it." - Bill Cosby
• "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" - Jay Leno
• "We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
• "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller
• "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Jay Leno
• "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." - Elayne Boosler
• "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield
• "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -George Carlin
• "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard
• "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy
• "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams

Friday, September 21, 2007 3:57:02 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Miscellaneous

The Top Ten Clues To Women to Calling It A Night

10. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are and you've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

9. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

8. You start crying and your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.

7. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

6. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher. 

5. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 

4. You've forgotten where you live.

3. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.

2. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

And the number one clue to woman to calling it a night is: You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:47:53 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        The Sexes | Top Ten

Pregnancy Q&A

• Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
• Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
• Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
• Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
• Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
• Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
• Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
• Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
• Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
• Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
• Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:41:04 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Marriage

A Young Couple

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancé, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:38:47 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Marriage

Annual Medical Exam

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:37:31 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Getting Old | Marriage

THE TOP 10 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"

10. Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
9. Trolling for Vampires
8. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
7. Clean-Up in Aisle One
6. Massacre at the Y
5. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
4. Panty Shields Up, Captain!
3. Taking Carrie to the Prom
2. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
And the number 1 euphemisms for "getting your period"  Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:36:33 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Marriage | Top Ten

Things Learned From Children

• For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house, 4 inches deep.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:31:14 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Kids

A Big Red "F"

Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card with a big red "F". "If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can." "Why is that?" asked the teacher. "Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:28:52 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Kids

Funeral for a Friend

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:28:16 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Kids

Science Fare

• 5th and 6th grade responses to science questions on tests:
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
• Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
• Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
• To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
• When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
• For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Friday, September 21, 2007 2:26:04 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Kids

The Three Envelopes

Mr. Shonu had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. 'Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,' he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, 'Blame your predecessor.' The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, 'Reorganize.' This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, 'Prepare three envelopes.'

Thursday, September 20, 2007 4:38:02 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Work

The Top 10 Call In Sick Excuses for Monday

10. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

9. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

8. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

7. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

6. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

5. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

4. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

3. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

2. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

And the number one Call In Sick Excuse for Monday… The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

Friday, September 07, 2007 6:14:14 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Top Ten | Work

The Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked : Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Friday, September 07, 2007 6:13:41 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Top Ten | Work

Top 10 Rejected Valentines Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . But so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . And you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

And the number one Rejected Valentine's Day Card, if you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Friday, September 07, 2007 6:12:55 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        The Sexes | Top Ten

The Top 10 Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!

7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

4. Somone spiked the coffee machine.

3. …in the name of Jesus…Amen

2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot

And the number 1 thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

Friday, September 07, 2007 6:12:06 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Top Ten | Work

"Underwear Goes Inside The Pants" by Lazy Boy

Sunday, July 22, 2007 7:58:53 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Miscellaneous

How To Clean A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG

Monday, March 19, 2007 7:45:55 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Pets

Rules that all cats should know

• If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
• Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
• For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
• For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
• Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
• If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
• For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
• For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
• Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m.

Monday, March 19, 2007 7:42:03 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Pets

The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

Monday, March 19, 2007 7:39:36 PM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Pets

Why, why, why?

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when the batteries get weak?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest – but duck for a thrown revolver?
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?
  

Friday, March 16, 2007 11:30:28 AM (US Mountain Standard Time, UTC-07:00)        Stupidity